I Pledge Alliegance to the Lulz of the United States of 'Murica!
by Libby16
Summary: You are about to be told the most epic, the most amazing, the most awesomesaucetastic story that you've ever heard! Ya wanna know why! Because I am the Goshdarn (kept it PG there guise!) United 'Effin (did it again!) States of 'MURICA. That's right! The sexiest darn country in the world ;) (ladies I will allow you to change your panties now). Crack fic. Super lulzy


**Warning: mature language and mentions of mature themes. If you can handle that then please enjoy a very lulzy America :D**

Hello my fellow boys (and girls if you don't gots what I gots… If ya know what I mean ;D ) Speaking of 'if ya know what I mean', you ever seen that meme face? The one from that one movie that's pretty fucking hilarious? Like really the guy doesn't talk and yet he has me rollin in the lulz! Good times…good times… Goddammit I can't think of what that movie's name is! Eh it'll come to me…

But annnyyyywayyyy you are about to be told the most epic, the most amazing, the most awesomesaucetastic story that you've ever fucking heard! Ya wanna know why?! Because I am the Goddamn United Fucking States of 'MURICA. That's right! The sexiest damn country in the world ;) (ladies I will allow you to change your panties now)

You done? Cuz I can wait.

I don't really blame you, after all, I am just so damn sexy! Really just look at my ahoge! So damn sexy…

You done now? Ya sure? Better have an extra pair beside you just in case you lose it in the middle of my awesome story tellin ;)

So picture this: I'm leaning all sexy-like against the presidential desk. Totes got the France thing going on. My luscious, round caboose (for those of you who are a little slow, I don't mean the CHUGA CHUGA CHOO CHOO caboose, I mean ass) was propped high in the air. A rose was hangin' outta my mouth and, get this guise, I had removed my glasses for that extra sexy effect!

LOL TROLLED YA! I totes wasn't leaning against the presidential desk like that. Hells naw! I'm freakin Murica here, what kinda patriot would I be if I was acting all sexy-like on the presidential desk?! Naw dawg I don't do that shit! Instead I was getting my sexy on with the table in the hallway OUTSIDE of the president's room. What's that thing called again? Round room? Circular occupying space? Ah, who cares? LOL you actually though I was acting sexy on the desk XD You guys crack me up. Don't ever leave me, seriously, I love you. *INTERNET GROUP HUG*

Where was I? Oh yeah, acting sexy on the table outside the president's room. Yup, so there I was, totally prepared to bedazzle the new boss man with my awesomeness. Excuse this brief break in the story, I must go reply to Prussia's bitchy comment as to how HE'S the awesome one! Lol. No. BRB!

*insert intermission here. Hey, while I'm gone you should totally listen to some Tenacious D. Those guys are fucking hilarious. THIS IS JUST A TRIBUTE…*

Ya still there? GOOD! I'll admit, I missed you guys in that brief intermission. Did you listen to Tenacious D?

Really?

YOU LIARS! But you're forgiven because, hey, I love you guise!

I'm gonna get back to the story, but I seriously gotta tell ya about how I OWNED Prussia!

So y'all read about how I was awesome right? Of course ya did and you agreed, because you guys love me like that :D. FEELIN THE LOVE! Well, Prussia was all like "Hey, America, I'ma let ya finish, but I am the ONLY AWESOME ONE!"

So I was like "Awww heeelll naw Kanye Prussia! Check out my Statue of Liberty! That is one damn fine torch! So I'm awesome. Get outta my face dawg!"

And then he squinted his albino-ey eyes real thin like he was about to attack. Y'all seen his freaky albino eyes? Those are some pretty muffed up eyes for realz! He was about to attack, like really, I expected someone to come by and say "Prussia, use attack!" Like in them Pokémon games! Lol they're the only things Japan actually made that were good! Japan made them, right? Cuz I'ma be totes embarrassed if he didn't O_O.

But then Hungary appeared out of fucking nowhere and beat him down with a frying pan! I'm not making this up for the lulz guise! I'm telling ya the cold, hard, fucking hilarious truth!

That chick is scary with a frying pan O_O. Someone help me. Really. I'm kind of scared for my life.

But Prussia was unconscious. He was being – OMFG HE'S DROOLING! HAHAHAHAHA! The awesome Prussia is drooling after he was knocked out by a skillet! LOL I gotta get a pic of this! Oh man the next World Meeting was gonna be priceless XD

But there was Hungary, still there, armed with a skillet. *insert high pitched 'mommy' sound here* "So sorry about him, he is a real douchenozzle."

"Yep, he is!" I agreed. Cuz, hey, even though she has a skillet she's got a point! Lol, douchenozzle is a lulzy word!

"I'll just be dragging him off to draw – I MEAN TUCK HIM INTO BED!" She slipped draw for tuck him into bed? Seems suspicious…naw. Totally understandable slip up :D

"Alrighty have fun with that!"

"Oh I _will_ have fun!" With that she got a creepy smirk on her face. Like really creepy guise. It scared me. Don't let the frills and flowers tell you otherwise, that chick is scary as hell! But don't tell ANYONE! I'm the great America! Home of the BRAVE! Got it mister? (or miss, whichever you prefer. Oh, speaking of miss, how're those panties of yours coming along ;) hmm?)

She began to drag Prussia off. Lol, literally drag! His face is bouncing up and down the sidewalk! Damn this day just keeps getting lulzier! "Oh, America, the next time _you _decide to have _fun_, don't hesitate to let me know if I can watch."

O_O

I totes forgot about Hungary lovin the boyXboy. She's gotten it in her little pervy mind that I get it on with England. She's all into the whole "Oh England, I love your crumpets, fuck me!" thing.

Okay, first, he totes has the nastiest crumpets EVAR. Second, England and I haven't happened in over twenty years.

DAFUQ did I just say?! Erm…boys and girls you didn't hear that. Just…go drown your ears in bleach or something.

UGHHHHHHHHHH fine. Twenty years ago, six months, two days, seven hours, thirteen minutes, and about twenty-two…twenty-three seconds. But it's not like I was counting or anything. We were drunk biotches! It couldn't be helped!

I shall crawl in a hole now…

BUT WHERE WOULD BE THE STORY?! I must continue, for that is my duty as a hero!

But seriously guise, we were drunk. I was just like…mmm…dem eyebrows…

Bet Hungary woulda liked that BUT YA MISSED YA CHANCE CHICK!...don't kill me with the frying pan please…

Dammit Prussia made me get sidetracked with my storytelling! Gah.

Alrighty, so there I was all sexy against the table OUTSIDE the…room in an elliptical shape…seriously what's that damn thing called?!

"Alfred!" A voice called. For those of y'all who don't know, Alfred is my goddamn sexy name ;) Alfred F. Jones to be exact. Okay ladies you HAD to have changed your panties with that one, amirite?

"Yo, Jen!" Jen's my secretary. Lol I can't be bothered to do things like make meetings and schedules and stuffs. Nah. I'd rather eat me a big man and lay on my couch. DAFUQ?! I did not mean to say big man! I swear it! I meant big MAC! I promise guise! Guise? Please believe me guise. You don't believe me do you? Fine then bastards….ROMANO DON'T YOU DARE BITCH AT ME FOR USING YOUR LINE! I DON'T GIVE A SHIT! I'VE DEALT WITH PRUSSIA TODAY AND IF YOU DON'T BACK THE FUCK DOWN I WILL PERSONALLY GET HUNGARY AND HER SCARY SKILLET AND HAVE HER FORCE YOU INTO BED WITH SPAIN! Yeah…that's what I thought you Italian bastard…you just go cower in that corner now.

"What are you doing?" She said, her face like *O*. (she needed to change her panties boys and girls. Lol I am just too damn sexy!) "The president will be here any minute!"

"Calm your tits gurl! I got this covered" Just then, like an angel from above, MOTHER TRUCKIN OBAMA WALKED AROUND THE CORNER! :D! "Obamster! The Bam man! Bamster man!" I tore out of my sexy pose, cuz honestly, it was just too damn sexy. I have to take pity on the people who can't control the tingle in their parts!

Picture this guise: me, jumping into Obama's arms, forcing him to hold me bridal style. Sounds lulzy right? I bet you're all like "oh America, you silly goose that didn't happen" but ya know what? IT DID! I had the goddamn president carrying me bridal style! You jelly Michelle ;D ?!

Immediately the Bamster dropped me D: right on my caboose (that means ass boys and girls, we went over this) D: It hurt! "Excuse me, but who is this man?" Bamster asked. D: REJECTED YALLS! #foreveralone. It hurts yo… not that I wanted into the president's cabinet (if ya know what I mean)! Ew, no way dawg…I was hoping for more of a brotherly bond :'( I'm sad now. *INTERNET HUGS* Thanks guise. You always make me feel better :'D

"I'm MURICA!" I exclaimed, bouncing back! That's right, I bounce back fast y'all!

He looked at me incredulously (lol incredulously is a big word! Gold star for America!) "Excuse me?"

"Yeah you got that right! I'm the one, the only, United States of America!" Let me fast forward the part that I explain personified countries. That part is boring and lack in the lulz department. No lulz = no point. The only lulzy part worth mentioning was my brother Canada. Seriously. That dude lives in an igloo! He keeps saying he doesn't…but we all know he's rolling around in his house of tightly compact snow. The more you deny your igloo Canada the more it will resent you. Trust me. Those igloos can be temperamental. Don't ask me how I know that. "So there you have it, I'm America and you're my boss and OH MY GOD IT'S FROM MR. BEAN!"

Jen and Bamster stared at me. "Whoops didn't mean to say that in the dialogue! That was meant to go in the commentary. Sorry for the confusion dawgs." YES! I FIGURED IT OUT! If you know what I mean is from Mr. Bean :'D HARK THE HERALD ANGELS SIIIING!

"Welp broseph," I said grabbing Obama's hand, "it's been real for now, but I have some lulz to ensue!"

I left Jen and Bamster in my dust. LOL YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THEIR FACES! It was like O_O everywhere!

From there I got in my freaking awesome red white and blue painted plane (MURICA FOR THE WIN Y'ALL!) and flew it all the way to England.

So there I was in England, all prepared to ensue some lulz. I found the 'bloody git' (lol I used English talk! No wonder everyone loves me! I'm so funny!) walking around Big Ben! Seriously who decided to name it that? That was just a penis joke waiting to happen y'all!

So anyway, I found him eating some nasty scone things. Being an awesome ninja I snuck up on him and in one single swipe stole all his clothes XD! Lol England had to walk around London for the rest of the day naked! Score for America!

The police had to arrest him and everything! Weird cuz they don't show emotion! Really guise, you ever seen one of them? Seriously, go to Buckingham palace and troll those guise out front all day long. It's highly amusing. I promise. Trolling is always lulzy :D

Speaking of trolling, England was still walking around naked XD. So there's my story on how I totally trolled England! All the other crap was just filler. Suck on THAT Hungary :D!

But seriously what's that damn spherical room called?!

* * *

**I promise no illegal substances were taken in the writing of this fic!**


End file.
